Cullen called me this morning to tell me that “Four for the Road” has been edited and is ready for release. “Look for a January release,” Cullen told me. “Okay, is that it?” “No, dickhead, we’re showing it this morning, so bring Blake and Bambi.” “Oh God,” I replied. “Johnny and Melvin are on the way down, so be here by nine.”
Oh shit.
I told Blake about the movie, which wasn’t her idea of a good time, but she said she would go. Bambi was all for it, and we got ready to go. “Are we going to be treated to an Oscar-worthy performance, Elmer,” Blake cracked. “Maybe,” I replied, hoping that this would be quick and painless.” I saw Maire and Maggs loading up the kids and asked them where they were going. “To your film, Daddy,” my daughter replied. “Oh.” “Don’t sound so excited, Scragg,” Maggs cackled.
This could really suck.
We arrived at Barton’s Cinema and took our seats. The film started rolling, and the opening scene was funny and effective. My three co-stars then appear, and all hell breaks loose.
Damn, we talked some serious shit.
Between the filthy language and crude gestures, and outrageous dress, the audience was stunned all that was happening on the screen. The scene with the heavyset gals set my wife, Maire, and Robin into conniptions. “Elmer, this is disgusting,” Blake screamed. “Daddy, this is obscene,” Maire hollered. “Daddy, this is awful,” Robin yelled. “Shut up, Scragg is being a hot-blooded male,” Rory declared. “Pig,” Maire bellowed. “Look at Johnny,” Stray howled. “This is an outrage,” Barton said, pretending to be offended. “Shit, you just wish you were there,” Rory fired back. “Go to Hell!” “Look at what Daddy is doing now,” Robin shrieked as I pretended to masturbate while smoking a joint. “Elmer!” “I can see Blake’s input all over this film,” Rory cracked. “Asshole,” my wife seethed. “Did you write this script,” E. Jr. asked. “No, you filthy, uncouth bastard!” “Sorry, Blake.” Michael Sr., who was sitting in the front row, was incapacitated by laughter and laughing so loud that he was causing everyone around him to bust up. When Johnny started doing strange things with a dildo, the audience burst into howls that embarrassed the little man. “Oh my God,” he said in disbelief. Connor then started fondling himself, which was both disgusting and hilarious.
Then came the scene at the BBQ joint.
Shock, revulsion, and laughs filled the theater was the sight of naked men dancing while feeling themselves was bad enough, but when they ran out back and chopped down the oak tree, it was too much. Blake was appalled beyond words while Robin and Maire looked on in horror. Maggs was laughing so hard she almost fell out of her chair. “This is utterly without any merit,” Barton screamed. “So are you, now shut up,” Rory hollered back at him. “Daddy’s right, this movie is upsetting and filled with disgusting images,” Rene cried out. “Kinda like you in the morning,” Rory replied. “Fuck you, asshole!” “Daddy’s smoking more dope,” Robin screamed. “What’s Melvin doing,” Maire asked.
A belching contest then broke out between us in the van.
More laughter filled the cinema as we turned the social indiscretion into a symphony. Johnny was especially adept at the art of burping, which was a revelation. “This is perfectly disgusting,” Rene shrieked. “You’re just jealous,” Rory countered. “Fuck you, asshole!”
Some things will never change.
The scene where we all took a dump on the side of the road was another stomach-churning scene that got plenty of laughs and groans. We really didn’t shit, but it sure looked like it, and we used napkins from a fast-food joint to wipe our asses. A strong gust of wing then blows them on the window of a Mercedes–Barton’s Mercedes–the one he didn’t know we used for the film. “Is that my car,” he asked. “Yep,” I replied. “Who gave you permission to use it?” “Jackie,” Cullen replied. “He doesn’t have the authority to do that!” “Actually, I just told him to give me the keys, and he did.” “Is that shit on my window!” “No, it’s a mixture that looks like shit.” “You bastard!” “Hey, thanks for the use of your vehicle.” “I did not give you permission!” “Oh well, what’s done is done.” “Yeah, so be grateful you’re part of such a great film,” James Stike said from the back. “You asshole,” Barton growled at his fellow billionaire.
When the film ended, many in the audience cheered while my wife and a few others gave me looks of scorn. I shrugged and said that it was kinda fun doing the film. “You acted like an idiot,” Blake replied. “Oh well, it wasn’t the first time that happened.” “Elmer!” “Great job, Scragg, it was gloriously disgusting,” Rory declared. “Oh, that’s just great,” my wife shouted. Dad, that was the funniest movie ever,” Michael said before falling into laughter, which caused my wife and daughters to recoil in revulsion. “How can he be the father of those beautiful boys,” Blake said with a look of horror on her face that was priceless. “Paige is their mother,” I replied. “Thank God,” she then said. Michael then started gyrating around with Stike like Johnny and Connor did in the movie, which mortified the little man. “You don’t think anyone else will do that,” he asked me. “No, just idiots like my son-in-law,” I replied. “Okay,” Johnny said. “And they number in the millions,” I added, dampening Johnny’s hopes. “Scragg, you don’t think this will reflect too badly on me,” Connor pleaded. “Of course not, all you did was masturbate, fart, belch, shit in the road, use ungodly profanity, smoke dope, make inane faces, and act like a total imbecile, so what possible consequences could come from that,” I replied. “Scragg!”
Johnny’s phone then rang–it was Honey.
“No, Doyle, it wasn’t that bad,” the little putz pleaded. “Look, it was a comedy…yes, we did shit alongside the road, but not really, it was fake shit…yes, I did belch out a tune, but we all did…yes, we all smoked dope and had cheap sex, but it was all simulated. I’m not crazy!
Melvin grabbed the phone.
“Listen you pompous asshole, we had fun, so go shove it up your ass,” he screamed. “Yeah, I paraded around like an idiot and committed acts of stupidity that I would do again, so up yours,” he hollered before handing the phone back to Johnny, who looked at Stray, who obviously called Honey and gave him a review. “No, Amelia is not here, so lay off…yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, bye,” Johnny yelled before clicking off.
I couldn’t stop laughing.
“Elmer, this is an outrage,” Blake continued. “No, it’s fucking hilarious,” I blared. “Elmer!”
Outrageously disgusting is more like it–and I love it!
Scragg Man 