We got back to the house and relaxed. I told Paige that she was an adult and could do what she wanted, but that didn’t mean I would always agree with her decisions. She said that was fair and would try to be more understanding of my position. We chatted about mundane things and were about to call it a night when Tabitha came knocking on the door. I answered it and she gave me a look of disbelief. “Everything okay,” I asked with dread. “Why was it a secret,” she asked. “What?”
I then realized what she was talking about.
We all gathered around and I told Blake and Paige that Tara got married yesterday. “She told us this morning, and seems very happy.”
Then Blake and Paige gave me looks of disbelief.
“I’m sorry, I figured she would have told Tabby, who would have spread the word,” I said. “And you didn’t think that was big news,” Blake replied. “Yeah, but Tara made it sound like it was a done deal a few weeks back, so I congratulated her and wished her a happy marriage.” “And you didn’t tell anyone,” Paige asked. “Why is it my job to spread the news?” “I just saw her and she acted as if it was no big deal. I mean she came by the apartment, picked up the rest of her stuff, and told me as she was leaving that she got married,” Tabitha said in a stunned voice. “She’s very comfortable being a married woman, so I’m happy for her,” I said. “Why didn’t she tell us,” Blake asked. “I don’t know, I guess she assumed that no one would be surprised.” “Elmer, marriage isn’t something that you just do on a whim,” my wife replied. “That’s how we did it,” I replied. “Yes, but…” “Look, it’s between Tara and Liam, so they’re the ones you need to get the scoop from,” I said. “You come home; play headbanger music, and forget to tell us that Tara got married,” Paige said in a puzzled voice. “What was I supposed to do?” “Tell us,” my daughter hollered. “That’s Tara’s job.” “Daddy, that’s lame.” “Why is it lame?” “Because that was information that was far more important than listening to rock songs,” Paige fired back. “Call Tara,” I replied. Paige laughed and then gave me a scornful look. “You’re incredible,” she said sheepishly. “I thought she had told you guys.” “And when we didn’t mention it, didn’t that give you a clue that we didn’t know,” Blake asked. “Look, you now, so cut me some slack,” I replied, which got me more annoyed looks. “If you were a messenger no one would know anything,” my daughter practically screamed.
I need a cave.
A few minutes later, Brie called and she and Blake took turns bashing Kevin and me. “Yeah, Elmer is telling us that he thought we knew, but he’s just oblivious,” Blake said to Brie, who apparently was giving my partner the same treatment. “Well, Elmer came in and insisted we listen to this dreadful heavy metal, but neglected to tell us about Tara, even though we asked about his day,” my wife said while giving me “you dumb shit” look. “They’re men, Brie, which means if it doesn’t fit into their narrow world, it doesn’t matter, or even exist,” my wife continued while being cheered on by Paige and Tabitha. “Yeah, we’ll talk about this tomorrow. Tell Kev I said hello; maybe he’ll remember who I am,” Blake said. “If we relied on Elmer for information, we’d all be screwed,” she added with a sarcastic laugh.
I can’t win.
Blake clicked off and gave me another look of disdain. “Kevin didn’t bother to tell Brie, until a few minutes ago. He, too, insisted on playing that awful music, and was puzzled when Brie told him that it was just noise.” “Why didn’t Gabby spread the word,” I asked. “Because she had to take her grandmother to the doctor’s today,” Tabitha replied. “She couldn’t believe that you didn’t tell us.” “Damn, I hope no one dies at the restaurant because we’d never know,” Paige said. “Come on, it just slipped my mind because I thought you guys knew,” I pleaded. “Elmer, we’re detailed oriented, which means we like the whole story, but you can’t even tell us the that a story exists, which makes me wonder how men ever get anything right,” Blake said. “Tara gets married. Milt and Rory make a hard rock CD. Daddy decides to we should listen to music. Daddy then gets pissed off when I tell him Michael and I are going to Gatlinburg next weekend. He claims he’s the last to know everything. Daddy has numerous opportunities to tell us that Tara got married, but it slips his mind because he’s too busy wondering what’s going to happen in Gatlinburg. He makes no connection to Tara getting married. Daddy is oblivious to the point of being absurd,” my daughter rattled off in a sarcastic voice that got howls of approval from my Blake and Tabitha. “I never said I was a messenger,” I replied like an idiot.
The women began talking as if I wasn’t in the room.
“I’m going to step outside,” I said. Blake gave me an indifferent look before nodding. I walked out to the sound of laughter behind me.
Outgunned again.
